Ketchup Soup: Introducing Gluten Free Skis

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PORTLAND—Miley Cyrus just can’t stop thinking about powder, but up until recently she didn’t have anything on which to blast through it. That’s all about to change now that she has teamed up with ON3P Skis to create the first ever gluten-free skis, dubbed the “Molly Mashers.”

“We’re passionate about three things here at ON3P,” says Team Manager/Twerk Enthusiast Sam Caylor. “Innovation, skis, and making confused child celebrities happy. When Miley approached us about making gluten-free skis, we jumped without asking how high.”

“Truthfully, we were impressed that there were no skis labeled ‘gluten-free’ on the market already,” admits Caylor.

“Going gluten-free has given me the body and complexion I’ve always dreamed of,” states Cyrus. “I want to ski, but I can’t let it ruin my life. ON3P is really making a contribution to the skiing community by keeping skiers from becoming fat, pimply, unattractive human beings.”

Cyrus states that she was first drawn to the brand by their unique graphic choices. “When I saw the grizzlycorns, the rainbows, and the dream catchers, I knew we were on a lot of the same things. And they’re from Portland, on that reason alone I knew my skis would be gluten-free and vegan.”

“We’re passionate about beauty too,” adds Caylor.

According to Production Manager Kip Kirol, it took months of product development to make the first pair of Molly Mashers.

“We experimented with a lot of things: sweeping the shop floor, keeping sandwiches out of the production area, minimizing beer spillage, and even looking for gluten-free ski materials. As it turns out, all of them are already gluten-free,” states Kirol.

The Molly Mashers’ unique, gluten-free construction will come in the form of a 113-millimeter-waisted ski with rocker, camber, top sheets, sidewalls, edges, a core, some resin, and convex bases.”

“That’s one thing Miley and I have in common,” says Caylor. “We both like the way round bottoms move.”

In addition to being sold at merch tables at Miley’s upcoming concerts, the Molly Mashers will also be distributed at Hot Topic, Wal-Mart, and Whole Foods.

“We needed to do something to make up for the GMO scandal,” admits Whole Foods Spokesperson Lonnigan Treeheart. “And if it says gluten-free on it, you can sell it for three to five times what it’s worth.”

Despite the fact that only one percent of the population has Celiac Disease, a six-month waiting list has already formed.

Seeing a gaping whole in obvious market exploitation, ON3P is planning on continuing with their commitment to other skiers with dietary needs.

“We’re currently working on paleo, Atkins, and even sun gazer friendly skis for the masses,” states Caylor. “Now excuse me while I go stack my money.”

**Ketchup Soup is TGR’s new weekly satire column aimed at poking fun at the sports we all love. TGR’s “Ketchup Soup” is a fictionalized, satirical publication. Its content should in no way be interpreted as an actual record of events. These stories are also not intended to be, nor should they be construed as, attempts to predict the future course of any individual or entity, but should be viewed only as parody. TGR’s “Ketchup Soup” is not associated with any other news service. Names used in “TGR’s Ketchup Soup” stories, unless those of public figures or entities, are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities is coincidental, unintentional, and accidental. Any event described in TGR’s Ketchup Soup” that actually comes to pass should also be considered coincidental, unintentional, and accidental.

The moral here is laugh now, but remember, you’re probably next.

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